letting go...

It's a hard concept for me. I'll admit that when I have an idea that gets passed over or an opinion that's not widely accepted, I'm pretty okay with that. I can usually let those types of things go.

What I have a hard time with is letting go of people. When people exit my life (or I exit theirs) it's very difficult for me. I tend to hold the people in my life very closely, and losing anyone is heartbreaking. I'm not just talking about losing people to death, although the finality of that kind of loss is obviously painful.

For most of my life, it was not hard for me to get close to people. In fact, some might say that it was too easy. I trusted easily and opened myself to friendship and love easily. Through circumstances of the last few years, that has changed somewhat. I do consider myself fortunate in the closeness of my friendships; however, I do not find myself easily opening up or as trusting as before. I am much more cautious and reserved when it comes to giving or receiving the gift of friendship.

It is perhaps that much harder, then, to lose those people who remain close to my heart. When I find them walking out of my life, perhaps through no fault of their own, but just because of circumstances, it's not easy to let go!

I have been praying for several weeks, maybe months, that God would work in a certain situation. I have found myself pleading with Him and trying to work things out on my own, by turns. Last week I felt very definitely that God told me to let it go - to trust Him. I don't know what that means. I don't know if He's going to work a miracle and allow things to remain as they are, or if He's going to allow the change, knowing that somehow it is best. It's still so hard for me to let it go and trust Him! I can't seem to leave it in His hands, even though I know that's what He wants, and it's what I should do. It's ripping my heart out a little more each day, knowing that most likely after Christmas, everything will be different. I can't shake the sadness and the feeling that it's not right, but it's out of my hands. There's absolutely nothing I can do. I know God is able and all-powerful, and that He knows and cares even more than I do. What's more, I know that even when people leave my realm of influence, they are still never out of God's care! He will follow and He will be faithful! So why can't I just leave it with Him - why do I keep worrying about it and wondering if everything will be okay?

Here are some questions I have. Maybe you, my faithful readers, can shed some light...

Why does "letting go" feel so much like "giving up"?
Is it sometimes okay to "give up"?
When does it become unhealthy (disobedient?) to keep holding on?
How do I know it's really God telling me to "let go" and not the devil telling me to "give up"?
Why does God allow people into our lives, and then remove them before it seems right?

I am really having a hard time with all this. I would appreciate your prayers as I struggle to sort it all out.

Thanks for reading!

more grace.

I'm not sure that I'll be able to express this exactly the way I mean it, but here goes...

Lately I have been feeling the need for more grace. In my own life, certainly, I am a grateful recipient of the grace of God. When I deserve condemnation and judgment, He gives grace. When I am lost and confused, His grace lights the way and brings me back. When I am desperate and miserable, His grace comforts and heals. Where would I be, if not for the grace of God?

Have we forgotten? Do we so easily lose sight of what it is like to be so desperately in need of God's grace? When we have the chance to spread a little grace to one of God's children, do we take it? When hear a teenager's unkind, cutting words, do we listen to the pain behind them? When we see a homeless person, do we just assume he must have "done something" to deserve it? Can any of God's precious children depend on us, trust us, to take care of them? Have we forgotten?

I have never claimed to be a perfect example of God's grace. I know there are many times when I fail to accept or distribute grace when I should. But my intention is to let grace rule my life. When grace and compassion are the rule, it is my belief and my experience that people see Jesus. And if we claim the name of Christ, isn't that Who we want people to see? I have yet to see rules and guidelines and unbending policies save anybody! Jesus' ministry was one of care and concern for people. Not once did He condemn a person Who was truly seeking Him. I want to be like Jesus.

This quote is very strongly worded and I love it. I wish my life more faithfully exhibited the truth behind it.

"If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to hell over our bodies. And if they perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees, imploring them to stay. If hell must be filled, at least let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go there unwarned or unprayed for." -Charles Spurgeon

I intend to never give up on the people Christ has called me to serve. Are there challenges? Yes. Are there problems? Absolutely. Should that stop me? No way. I will not give up. God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Tim. 1:7) Thank you, Jesus, for never giving up on me!

You Never Let Go

by Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I’m caught in the middle

of the storms of this life

I won’t turn back

I know You are near

And I will fear no evil

For my God is with me

And if my God is with me

Whom then shall I fear?

Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming

for the heart that holds on

A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

We’ll live to know You here on the earth

And I will fear no evil

For my God is with me

And if my God is with me

Whom then shall I fear?

Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

Yes, I can see a light that is coming

for the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Yes, I can see a light that is coming

for the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

life

Okay. Let me just say it. Life is great.


Yep. You heard me right.


Life is great.


Sometimes I think it's good to just sit back and look at life and realize what a blessing it truly is. So that's what I'm doing. I don't think I always appreciate my life enough. I'm always busy, usually to an overwhelming degree, so sometimes I am too snowed-under to acknowledge how blessed I am.




I want to say, first of all, that I have an adorable new nephew. He is my friend Cara's little boy, so he is my chosen nephew. And he is precious. I absolutely cannot wait to see him. He lives with his parents in Colorado, and I hope to be able to go visit him SOON!! Look at how cute he is

Precious, huh? Altogether now: ahhhhh!

Anyway, that's one of my latest blessings and I wanted to share it with all of you who didn't already know. His name is Luke Francis Barnett.

So life is good. This past weekend I got to spend time with four of my favorite kids on the planet - my Colburn nieces and nephews. They are growing up so much and I am blessed anytime I get to spend time with them. Brooklyn will be 12 in December, which is just unbelievable, and she is growing into a fine young lady. Very smart and carries on extremely intelligent conversations. Jordan is all boy and there is never a dull moment when he is around. He's very active and very sweet and very ornery. And very TALL! I swear he's grown 5 inches since the last time I saw him! He's 10. Colton...he cracks me up. He's 9 and his sense of humor is very dry and witty. I love listening to him talk, and watching him interact. Kailyn is my birthday buddy. She was born on my 27th birthday which means she turned 7 this year. I can't believe how grown up she is! She's my lil buddy and I love her constant hugs and "I love you's." Something tells me to cherish those because they won't last forever, at least not to that extent. On Sunday morning, I took Kailyn and Colton to church (Brooklyn and Jordan had spent the night with friends) and as I stood between them during the congregational singing, I noticed that both of them were just singing their little hearts out. It was extremely blessed by that. This is a shout-out to Jason and Gina (their parents) and all you wonderful people out there who are raising your children to worship Jesus. That impact on their lives is going to influence them for eternity.

Life is very good. I could go on and on. I am blessed with family and friends. My grandfather, who spent the weekend in the hospital after having been diagnosed with atrial fibrillation (congestive heart failure) is home now and doing much better. My Smith grandparents celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary last weekend and are relatively healthy. My brother in Colorado is doing well - he's healthy and has a good job and is doing well spiritually. My parents are always busy and always on the go and always a blessing. What can I say. I have a great family. I can't forget to mention my aunt and uncle who are also my pastors - I can't even tell you how much I admire, respect and love them. They are amazing people.

My friends are incredible. I know I've said that before. God is good. He's given me a wonderful support system, a wonderful job with people I love, wonderful students who light up my life. I seriously could not ask for more.

Life is good.

"...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." ~Jesus (John 10:10)

thirsty.

Psalm 63:1
"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”

tangible.

"Friendship is acting out God's love for people in tangible ways. We were made to represent the love of God in each other's lives, so that each person we walk through life with has a more profound sense of God's love for them. Friendship is an opportunity to act on God's behalf in the lives of the people that we're close to, reminding each other who God is. When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can't always see from where we are."

From Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life by Shauna Niequist

Some of God's blessings are tangible.

Have you ever thought about that?

I was thinking today about some of the people that God has put into my life who are living, breathing, moving...visible evidence of His work in my life. There is no way that all of these great people just "happened" to find their way into my life. No way. God did it. He's pretty awesome.

If you're reading this, there's a good chance you are one of those amazing people whose path God allowed to cross with mine. I'm grateful for you. Your prayers, your support, your love...however you have touched my life, it has been God-ordained and I'm grateful. Please do not ever feel unappreciated or taken for granted. I'm sorry if I don't thank you or recognize you enough. You are incredibly special and I love you!

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy..." (Phil. 1:2-4)

positive.

“Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture... Do not build up obstacles in your imagination.”
Norman Vincent Peale (1898-1993), clergyman and author

The past couple of weeks have been extremely busy. Full of fun and worthwhile events and activities, yes, but tiring nonetheless. As a result of this and other factors, I'm sorry to say, my normally positive outlook has slipped a little. In recent days, however, God has been bringing my attention back to the fact that a positive attitude is not only a nice thing to have, it is also Biblical. The devil has been fighting me, bringing back battles I thought I had won long ago. And while it's easy for me to wonder why these struggles are necessary, I am brought back to the fact again and again that God is faithful. He is faithful to teach me and to help me grow. He is faithful to bring beauty from the ashes, and to breathe life into what was once lifeless. And one of my responsibilities as a child of God is to have a positive mindset. I've been reading a devotional book that's based on Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind and here is what she has to say about Matthew 8:13 ("Jesus said, Go; it shall be done for you as you have believed.")

"Here's a simple fact I've learned: Positive minds produce positive lives, but negative minds produce negative lives. The New Testament tells the story of a Roman soldier whose servant was sick, and the soldier wanted Jesus to heal him. That wasn't uncommon -- many wanted Jesus to heal them or their loved ones in those days. But this soldier, instead of asking Jesus to come to his servant, expressed his belief that if Jesus would just speak the word, his servant would be healed. Jesus marveled at his faith and sent out His word to heal the servant. The soldier's positive mindset -- his faith -- brought positive results. He expected healing, and that's exactly what happened."

While I don't believe that "positive thoughts" heal people or make life better, I do believe that if we expected God to do what we ask Him to do, we might be surprised at the results! How often do we pray for something, and then God "surprises" us by answering? I think if I expected more -- had more faith -- I might receive more!

I am going to be challenging myself in the coming days and weeks to think more positively as a believer. To be more expectant of the grace and mercies of God. To be more filled with confidence in His abilities and power to work in my life. Those are things I believe He expects of me.

The glass is definitely half-full!

promise.

Promise of a Lifetime
Kutless

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I’m feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me

Chorus
I know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I’m clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Looking back at me
I know that you can see my heart is open to
The Promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted

Chorus
I know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I’m clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Looking back at me
I know that you can see my heart is open to
The Promise of a lifetime

through HIS eyes.

Tonight my pastor preached a sermon that was completely convicting and powerful. I will not attempt to re-preach his sermon, and I am probably much too tired to do the topic justice, but I had to at least try.

In the aftermath of 9/11, we heard a lot of songs and poems and stories which were written by people needing an outlet for the grief and pain and outrage we were feeling at the time. Most of the time we were asked to focus our attention on the feelings and desperation of the victims, and certainly nobody would fault a hurting nation for drawing inward and "licking our wounds," so to speak.

However, what if we were to ask ourselves this question and answer it honestly:

"What Did God See On September 11, 2001?"

Obviously we know that He saw planes hurtling into skyscrapers and slamming into the ground and devastating the symbols of our military strength. He felt the fear and the tears and the destruction. He saw the families and the heroes. He felt and He knew the pain of our loss and helplessness.

But, knowing our loving Heavenly Father the way that we do, what do you really think He saw?
He saw the souls. The never-dying souls of men and women and children. He saw them entering eternity without Him. He saw the souls of the hijackers, the souls of those who threw themselves from windows many stories above the ground, the souls of those who died in the fires and in the crashes. How many of them went into eternity without God? God knows. He saw them that day. And Jesus, who sits at the Father's right hand, and whose very life was given to redeem the souls of those who died, saw them too. Perhaps He stood and reached out His hand to those who were dying, only to realize it was too late for them. If there is crying in Heaven, perhaps He viewed the awful sight through tears of compassion and mercy.

Many times it seems that we are able to accept and acknowledge what we know to be true about the power and greatness of God. We comprehend, at least to what extent we can, the ultimate control He exerts upon the world. Why is it then, that we fail to even attempt to understand His love. The unconditional love that loves so perfectly. The mercy that reaches out with such compassion. Do we fail to realize that Christ's love extends to everyone...the disillusioned, the confused, the rebellious, the ignorant...everyone?

While none of us may be able to make much of an individual difference in the world-wide "war on terror," I do believe we can each make a difference in the role the chief terrorist of the world is currently playing in the lives of our friends and family members. We may not be able to go halfway around the world and hunt down those terrorists (remembering, of course, that Jesus died for them too) but can we walk across the street? Can we pick up the phone and call? What can we do in the lives of those whom we love to bring them closer to Christ? How can we influence our friends and our neighbors and our family members to walk away from their sinfulness and selfishness?

According to statistics, every 5 seconds, over 10 people in the world die. Of those 10 people, 7 are dying without Christ.

I have been challenged to take a look at my own life and see what I am doing to make a difference in the lives of the people in my circle of influence. God, help me to be faithful! Help me to see the world as you see it. Help me to see the souls of my loved ones through your eyes.
I would challenge us, as the 6th anniversary of the terrorist attacks on our country approaches, to not only remind ourselves of that day and of the changes it has brought into our lives and nations. But I would also ask us to be reminded of the tragedy, each and every day, of souls going into eternity without God. Shouldn't our primary goal as Christians be reaching people and leading them into a relationship with Christ?

I know I haven't shared this as eloquently or smoothly as I would have liked, but I know that I have been shaken as I have contemplated these truths. And my prayer is that I would always be faithful to the souls of those around me...my friends, my students, my co-workers, my family. Let's hold each other up in prayer and let's determine to make a difference in the battle against the terrible enemy of our souls!

May God bless you this week and make you a blessing to all whose lives you touch!

hey

Hey everybody!

We just finished our third week of school, which is just unbelievable. Things are going well in that regard. I'm enjoying my classes, even though it took me a couple of weeks to get back in the swing of things! The routine was really hard for me to get back into for some reason this year!

Anyway, not much else has been going on. My computer crashed and I lost everything. EVERYthing. Yeah. That was not cool. Fortunately, I had posted most of my pictures on sites like Ringo so I didn't lose too many of them permanently. I think the only ones that are unaccounted for are the ones of drama and junior-senior banquet in May. So those are probably gone forever. Then of course I also lost tons of documents...things that I probably won't even remember until I need them! Lots of stuff for Youth Camp which will be really fun to recreate next summer. Guess I better plan on carving out a couple of weeks for that huh! ARGH. Oh well...life goes on...

Have a great weekend and hope to hear from you soon!

And as always, much love to all!

wow.

Okay so I know it's been forever since I posted here. I really didn't think anyone ever came here at all...in fact, I forgot I had it and completely forgot my password and everything...which was kinda scary for a minute! THEN all the google stuff really confused me...but I think I have it figured out now. LOL. Anyway.

I am tremendously glad that this week is over. It's been rough getting acclimated to the school schedule again. It's been a great week in many ways, because of getting to see my students again (and meet the new ones) but getting back into the routine is always rough.

Anyway, I need to go get ready for the evening...I just wanted to post something so that my blog wouldn't be so outdated. LOL. I'll try to post more later, but no guarantees. ;)

Love to all!
:)